May. 15th, 2010 06:17 am
songsofemelnuvi: A motivator poster with the words epic fail on it. (epic fail)

First things first-there's a group of wild rabbits that live in the Bio-Neighborhood. Saw a little baby bunny when walking to get the paper this morning.

Second things second-Foot fail is fully over with.

And the meat of the post-

Malzon called early this morning. She was very worried about me, and told me a lot about Rhiannon-space. It appears one of the reasons Kesheli was banned from there was that she kept up treating Valzon like her property and thereby soured everything with the Other-Heshatanis who have every reason to feel betrayed. Malzon explained that Kesheli feels that she and I are her property because she's Abraxas' consort and she feels it is her right to own us.

And last night, Kanari said something really heart-breaking. She said Kesheli's effectively already turned her into a Thrall, subject to her will. She did this at the start of the relationship and Kanari has a harsher life now but she cannot break free of it. Because even as strong as they are within the Dream, we Old Ones are still within it where Kesheli herself is entirely Without it.

Malzon and I, however, secured our freedom through something unusual: I once knew and very much liked (though not in *that* way, I like girls) a tall red-headed Alfar-Jotnar hybrid who at the time of one of my missions as the Comedienne was engaged in the same mission. We co-operated and it ended. Years later it turns out this person was a completely different Cross-Time version of Ta'eris, who doesn't go by that name and was raised by slightly different Alfar-Jotnar cultures. She was never exiled and is one smooth talker.

She cracked the bonds that Kesheli put on us both but is reluctant as yet to move on things with Kanari. She did say that after five months of this courtesy of Kesheli, simply undoing the mental breaking that Kesheli did to her will not fix anything, as Kana's psyche has been badly affected by this. It does explain why Kanari refuses to leave her. Kanari's in a very bad situation and I learned this from she herself. And from Kesheli treating her as one would a slave and not a wife. And Kanari's eyes watered in sadness and anger but she could do nothing about it.

:-(. Shezarae and Tetresuv have also confirmed this, because Tetresuv hates Kesheli at this point and thinks she's hurting her own kids as badly as she does Kanari.


songsofemelnuvi: A motivator poster with the words epic fail on it. (epic fail)
Turns out that we've got that Foot procedure today about 1 PM. Wu and River had completely forgotten it, and Gus had to be reminded of that fact. So I've Front for today, and then this weekend through the next week Kameshi, then during Finals week Kanari.

As it is, I am here when I didn't see that coming. I'll have an actual update about things with my family later.

songsofemelnuvi: A motivator poster with the words epic fail on it. (epic fail)
I've been having a lot of nightmares lately and can tell I had them in Front though Falshakin shielded me from actually remembering them (Gods be thanked). And I've found that aside from work, Front, or my house, I'm too afraid to be places. Too many fears/triggers that have come up since the last year. Too many *strong* triggers that reduce me to curled up and crying with Meremi's arms on me/around me to calm me down. I'm not specifying, but I will say that recovering from all these things that have happened to me is not as fast or as sure as I'd like it. And when I still have nightmares about traumas from last year it makes me feel weak and powerless to deal with them. >.>

I also hate it sometimes that when I go into my studio, my own supposedly safest place my head swims and vision starts to shift and Meremi finds me curled up a half-hour later trembling. I hate that more than anything else. I really, really need to paint but I need a place like my studio that I feel safe in. And thanks to Suvacel even *that* doesn't feel safe, and won't for a long time. :-(.



songsofemelnuvi: Sarasvati, Hindu goddess of learning (Default)

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